Back by Popular Demand….

Updates: Tis the Season to?

There seems to be something in the air, I mean other than Santa Claus and lerv (courtesy of Celine Dion).  Over ½ a dozen of my friends have decided to entrust their lives to a 2 foot by 4” long nylon strap as they are suspended 60,000 feet in the air hurdling at over 1300 mph to start a new life.  Although I am “losing” some friends I have been adding new ones thus keeping my friendship balance in check.  (I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that Judgement and I have parted ways…I guess she gave up on me. I’M DOOMED to be a better person FOREVER!!!!)  

In addition to people physically moving to other countries, tis also the season of emotional moving: Break-Up Season.  In the realm of “good” break-ups, this is prime time…Just enough time before Christmas, NYE and Valentine’s Day to not look like a total douche plus with the added bonus of not needing to buy presents! So what does this mean for me?  In 3-6 months’ time, I will be prime meat. I’ll be in that sweet spot between Rebound Girl and Ms Right Now. 

On a side note, I did meet someone very, very interesting (but also very stupid) from another Fortune 500 Company, which happens to be one of our biggest, if not our biggest, competitor.  We met on a dark grey night in the middle of the day.  I was dressed to the gills with my 2 year-old scuffed  work boots, hair stapled back into a messy pony tail, 12-hour old make-up, baggy pants and a non-descript work shirt (yes, Judgement would have been proud!)  I’m not sure how I caught Fish, but there he was; cute, tall, rich, funny, intelligent and totally into me.  So, now the stupid....After buying me incredibly expensive drinks, flirting ostentatiously with me, and being completely dazzled by my whit, charm and sexy exotic accent, his friends decided that NOW was the perfect time to take the plunge.  They whoop and holler as they rip off ALL their clothes to expose their budgie smugglers, which Fish had so kindly already shown me, as they jump into the pool.  After 5 minutes of watching Fish and Co. swim around, my friends and I leave the poolside to catch up with the rest of our party.  So, I leave Fish in the pool, never to be seen again…Why couldn’t he have asked for my number BEFORE jumping in?? Who knows, stupid.

So, now enter the season of drear: I have just started my 5^th month at Fortune and things are right on track.  As with the most popularly used four-letter words, work is right up there. 

I have been thrown head first into the deep-end of a labyrinth of processes and procedures twice, (soon to be thrice…) now.  However, instead of an anvil forging its way back to its origins tied to my waist, I have Larry, Curly, and Moe helping out.  All joking aside, support at Fortune has been outstanding. I’ve had approximately 10 hours of training a week for the past 3 months, but despite this rigour I still have SOO much to learn and feel like I’m playing “job” rather than actually doing my job.  Learning more about my role and what is expected of me, I’m still not convinced that being a slave to Outlook and being at the beck and call of Emperor Hirohito, Stalin, Attila The Hun and Adolf is my dream job (I knew I should have picked basket weaving as my elective!).

Book Review: Heart of Darfur

Biographies and Autobiographies are one of my favorite genres as I relish the life lessons learned by others. These individuals have helped me overcome obstacles in my own life, inspired me to better myself, provided me with a strong and positive role model, and helped me better understand this complex world around us.  

So, when I picked up this book, I had high expectations that the author would also be this inspiring and strong woman. The Heart of Darfur is written by a MSF worker, Lisa Blaker, who goes to Darfur, Sudan for 9 months to help with humanitarian aid in this war torn forgotten country in Africa.

After reading the first chapter or two, I saw that this was not to be the case.  I felt the author was weak and that I would have reacted much differently. Although Lisa didn't impress me much, I was instead inspired by the people around her; the ones who walked for 17 hours, escaping under the cover of night, sometimes running from gun-fire to seek medical help for their children; the ones who experienced and witnessed some of the most horrendous crimes in humanity yet still had such strong conviction, faith and hope that things will be better. They found strength by focusing on the little things they DID have: another day of life, obtaining medical treatment, a day of peace, rain, a family member making it back after a raid, a child waking up from the cold chill of death after receiving life-saving re-hydration solution, a blanket, clean water.....Something that we could all do to remember: there is always something to give thanks for.

I won't go into too much detail about the atrocities these people faced, but would like to touch on some interesting comments/thoughts/statistics that Lisa made.

• Diarrhea, severe dehydration, cerebral malaria and malnutrition are the most common ailments children face. Many mothers run out of breast milk and turn exclusively to goat's milk mixed with often contaminated water.  This rich, yet nutrient poor milk mix often leads to diarrhea, dehydration and death in babies under one year.
• Cerebral malaria kills an estimated 700,000-900,000 in Sub-Saharan Africa every year. Three thousand children a day. But who knows the true numbers. their births are often not registered, their death unrecorded in remote, hidden villages and river beds. 
• Threats of full-scale assaults were always there. They stole goods, attacked woman, chased villagers...and according to the government none of this was happening. They claimed attacks on locals were exaggerated and fighting was simply "tribal warfare". 
• The outreach workers were key to the community. They represented every tribe. The government was telling us there was no problem...yet our outreach workers were telling us a different story.
• Our workload seemed to increase exponential. Attacks on locals occurred every day. The injuries increasing in number and intensity. Rape, attempted rape, torture, theft, and murder all left their scars. All tribes were affected.  Incursions into town took prisoners who were as badly treated as any other. There were no rules or clear lines- good and evil, right and wrong.  All sides seemed able to inflict punishment and they wailed into the night when their own kin were injured or killed.
• Tribal squabbling and grievances were a very real and potential volatile part of life in every community.  And each situation had to be dealt with, while treating everyone fairly. Perceived favouritsm could be dangerous.  If one sector received some input from out team then all the others wanted the same. And there wasn't enough time or resources to go around.
• Long-term solutions were almost impossible in a war and we were barely keeping these children alive week by week. They needed water from a deep borehole, clean and free. Boiling water was impossible for them, there wasn't enough firewood for everyone to use. If they couldnt' afford to buy clean water then they would continue to use water they found in puddles. The diarrhea would never end.
• "The baby did look better and it will be okay..for today. But tonight it will be fed goat's milk and dirty water again and it will die. Tomorrow or next week. What else dose the mother have if she has no other milk and no clean water?"
• I leaned back on my boots and looked along the line of gulping, sobbing children.  That is the reality of war- not frightening statistics of death, front lines and the changing allegiances of tribes. the reality of war is those children, their dusty feet lying on the sand as they drank and sniffed. Flies gathering on their wet clothes...
• What are we doing here?  I wondered. saving a life here and there, so they can be killed tomorrow? Is spending billions of dollars to help people live a life of  prolonged suffering or providing valuable medicine to someone who is beyond help worth the expenditure?
• I've heard people say, "it's different there, those people are used to death and for them it is just natural.' Stand listening to a crying mother as she holds her dead child in her arms and tell me if you really believe that. They cry and grieve and ache inside and the aching never goes. The difference is that they have no choice, without the care we take for granted. Their children die and they can only watch.
• Woman speaking to Lisa: "I run classes with local military leaders, telling them of their responsibilities under international humanitarian law. I think they are really listening. If we can just teach them the rules of engagement then this was will dramatically change and civilians wont be at risk"..."I think you and I disagree on some fundamental points, you are dealing with an ideal situation, how people should behave. I deal with reality, how soldiers and militia actually behave. We don't live in an ideal world, and we never will.  Your programme assumes that people want to be good, want to change and want to move toward the ideal. They don't."
• Shot from behind in their homes or chased by night with lasers of light.  This was no game. It was their lives. Their painful, miserable lives, dragged out in a place too far away for anyone to care. It was their deaths that made up the statistics in reports far away. So that people could sit reading the morning newspaper and shudder. "they're fighting again in Darfur" and turn the page.
• In the midst of war, children are the future.

After finishing this book, I gained much more respect for Lisa.  She taught me that anyone, regardless of who they are, can make a difference. You don't have to be a powerful politician or a person with deep pockets. Anyone can help.  I always kept telling myself that one day I will start donating to charity....once I've finished paying for my education, have a good job with a steady income, saved a nice chunk for a rainy day, and then, only then would I start donating funds to organisations.  How selfish.....

Murdered!!!

Had a very interesting dream the other day, and for all you Freudian and Carl Jung fans, this should be a FANTASTIC chance to analyze my inner workings.

My dream starts out with me and Worthless (a guy I used to date that's not even worth having a name) in a room.  We aren't talking, but I know that he wants to spend the night with me. I've had similar dreams before, but with various people, but somehow Worthless steals the spot light in this one.

So anyhow, Worthless has a girlfriend, and in my dream I want to spend the night with Worthless too (usually when Worthless is in my dreams and we have any kind of intimacy I'm not into it at all and feel nothing, wish he was someone else (anyone else!), and then wake up feeling gross, but in this dream it seems that we just wanted to literally sleep). Anyhow, we're in a house, which seems to be my parents', and my Mom has put a single inflatable bed in my room, next to my bed. Through image communication, Worthless and I are able to communicate that that is where we'll be sleeping.  Now, Worthless has to convince his girlfriend that for some weird reason they aren't able to spend the night together as there are only single beds.  So all three of us go around looking at the rooms (and this is still through image communication) to figure out where everyone will sleep. We come across my parents' large bed and Worthless' girlfriend looks at the bed, and I say "Oh, this is my parents' bed.  It's their birthday today, so they'll be using this bed later." So we keep walking, and I make small talk to the girlfriend. I just remember laughing and being nice to her.

All the sudden we've all been separated and I'm outside, and Gemini comes up and starts talking to me. For some reason she knows what Worthless and I are planning and she starts giving me grief about it telling me that I'm lying to myself and that I do actually care if I sleep with Worthless and that I've been pretending to be happy all along.  I, of course, defend myself, saying I don't care whether Worthless and I sleep together and she keeps reiterating my false happiness.  I see that I can't convince her otherwise, and I stand up to walk away from her, and see a pool with ice over the top of it, like it's frozen, and lots of people swimming and talking around the pool.

I go into the water to swim, and Gemini is right behind me yelling at me, that I should be looking after Worthless' girlfriend and how inconsiderate I was.  Worthless sees me in the pool, and decides to join me. Gemini points out that his girlfriend is looking at us through one of the windows, so I look up to look for her. I then feel Gemini grab shards of the broken ice and go after Worthless underwater.  Me and another party goer try to go under water to stop Gemini, but she's thrashing around so much that we can't get her.  I feel some cuts on my legs, and then the other guy helping is able to pull Gemini up.  I want to see what's happened to my legs, so I do kind of an under water handstand, and it feels like I'm bleeding.  I start getting scared and I can see the helpers eyes' glaze over with white as he is sickened by all the blood coming out.  Then I knew that I had been hurt badly and was going to die. I go back to my underwater handstand and my legs slowly go numb as all my blood drains out of them.

Verdict

With the completion of my challenge, I can now finally answer my questions and quench your suspense (I know you've been holding your breathe all week).

Observations Continued:
Day 3
-Noticeable difference in BM's

Day 4
-Feeling extremely full and bloated today. Could barely eat.
-Going...or rather running to the bathroom every 20 minutes
-People are starting to ask questions

Day 5
-Really struggling today. Feeling sick and full.
-Others have rallied in support and have jumped on the drinking bandwagon.
-Noticed new pimple which may or may not be related to the family size bag of Doritos I ate yesterday
-Unable to achieve 4 litres....Drank a little over 3
-Bladder needs vacating every 45 minutes or so

Day 6
-Still struggling (Officially giving up)
-Drank 2 litres, was much easier as I ran for an hour beforehand
-HUGE (new) zit on my face, situated in super strategic location right in the middle of my forehead between the eyes which may or may not be related to the King sized chocolate Kit Kat bar I ate yesterday

Day 7
-Drank 2 litres
-Lips cracking
-Zit on forehead has orbiting moons

Thoughts/Conclusions:

• Four litres daily is entirely way too much to drink (unless you're a horse, which may explain why I had to pee like one)
• I chose the worst time to conduct this experiment; wrong time of the month
• I chose the best time to conduct this experiment; I was in training and didn't actually need to be productive
• The real reason why people lose weight doing this is because of all the running to and from the toilet

Answers:

1. Does drinking water cause skin to glow?? Unless you're drinking water sourced from near a nuclear power plant or an actor in the movie Cacoon...I think not.
2. Does drinking water cause skin to look younger, fresher and more vibrant? Definitely yes...my skin is EXACTLY how it was all those years ago.
3. Will it finally solve world hunger, bring peace to all the nations, balance the budget and end the recession? Hmm...this isn't a Miss Universe panel, so I would have to go with "I think not".

Verdict:

• No one has commented on my silky smooth, pimple-free skin
• I hold more influence over my co-workers and friends than I thought (woo hoo popular band nerd is back!!!)
• Whoever thought drinking 4 liters a day was a good idea is crazy stupid

Gotta Go! Gotta Go RIGHT NOW!!!

Title: An Experiment on Myself

Introduction:

The purpose of this experiment is to determine if drinking will improve my life.

Problem:

Ever since I was preteen, I've been plagued with acne. Not normal acne, but deep, oozing nasty acne requiring medication, numerous products and heaps of make-up. I remember explaining to my friends that I had 'accidentally run into a door', when in reality I had poked and prodded my pimple so much it gave me a huge bruise and scab...right in the middle of my forehead!

By conducting this research I hope to address and answer these very important questions:

1. Does drinking water cause skin to glow?? 
2. Does drinking water cause skin to look younger, fresher and more vibrant? 
3. Will it finally solve world hunger, bring peace to all the nations, balance the budget and end the recession? 

Methodology:

My method is quite simple. DRINK!! My task is to drink at least 3+ litres of water a day for the next 7 days.  I intend to do this by drinking a litre of water with every meal and then one between/after meals.  

Control Group: Past Upside Down Girl

Experimental Group: Future Upside Down Girl

Limitations: Many

Observations: 

Day 1-

Captain's Log stardate 030911.1  

Today is Sunday, and I've decided that today is the day. However, I forgot one little thing; I don't have a water bottle or anything bigger than a mug. After searching my room I found a bottle of wine...Finished that off and topped it up with water. So, I began to drink and drink and drink. Finally, I finished my 4 litres at 8:30pm (2 of which I had in under an hour). From there on, just like clock work, I was going to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes. My last time was at 2:15am....

Note to self...Stop drinking at least 2 hours before bed time! Another observation: After 2 litres, my pee actually looked like water. Now I know why they say it's OK to drink it if you're ever stuck in the desert (with 2+ litres of water.....).

Day 2:

Stardate 040911.2: Situation: Uncomfortable.

Because it takes me over an hour to get to work, and is semi-inappropriate to bring a bottle of wine (even if it is filled with water), I decided to be smart and drink my first litre before going to work. I made sure to try and go, as my mother always told us to, right before leaving but apparently I was completely empty.

About 20 minutes into my 50 minute trip I felt a slight tingle in my bladder, and thought: 

Ah this isn't too bad, I can wait another 30 minutes. Then I started noticing all the little bumps, shakes and vibrations.

You can do it Upside Down! Remember how you went right before you left? It's OK, just think about something else..

Yes all the work I have to do and (jolt!!) ummm...yeah work and quoting and (sudden stop) eek! I have training all week so I can sleep in and (lots of vibrations)...

Almost there Upside Down. Look! There's the first bridge! Only 15 more minutes until your stop! Really close now! Just think how beautiful your skin is going to be, so nice.... (jolt, bump, jolt) and shiny (jostle) just pinch a bit harder....Remember that time in High School when you really had to go? I wonder which one was worse? This time or that time, cuz that time was REALLY bad. You were searching for cups in the car and started crying cuz you had to go so badly.. 

Whoa! Why am I thinking of this? This is the worst possible thing to be thinking of. Think of ummm......(Screetch!!) My bladder!!! Oh good, the girl who gets on 5 minutes before my stop yes!!! Yes! YES!!! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! TRAFFIC?? why me!?!?!? 

Just think how good you'll feel in a couple of minutes...you will be completely empty and....

Ooooh! I can see my bridge now! Yup, just a wee bit closer now. C'mon traffic MOVE! Oh good. Thank God! 

You can hold on...just 10 more minutes. Just a quick 1 km walk..

Really? JUST 1km...

Yes Upside Down, JUST ONE K! You run 5 minute K's..If you walk really fast you can get there in 8 minutes...You can do it!! 

Hmmm...I wonder if there's a bathroom on the way there? or is there a bathroom on the ground floor? Yes! Finally! my stop!!! 

Ok, just walk really quickly, and there will be no problem. 

Oh gosh! Walking is worse than sitting on bumpy bus....sooo far to go!! I wonder if someone would notice if I had an 'accident'? I mean I am wearing black. Black is black whether its wet or dry! Eww gross! Did I just really think that it would be OK to pee on myself? 

Ok, just calm down, and think of something different; I know....sing a song! 

"Ohhh! Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, over and over and over the fields we go....Oh my God its so far away!! 

Sweet! A bush!!! I bet you could go there. No one would be able to see you.  You're wearing that big black coat and if you squatted, no one could tell!! 

NO NO NO!! I can do it, just 6 more minutes...

Man you are making really good time this morning! 

Ok made it to the traffic lights...dang it! I walked too quickly and now I have to wait for two cross walks to turn green. Man gotta go gotta go!! hurry up! hurry up!! 

Look, Upside Down you're so close, all you have to do is get in the elevator and go straight to the bathroom! You don't even have to go to your desk, just make it to the elevator...

Phew! Ok crossed the road without getting hit (or peeing)...there's the building! 

Ok now just cross the parking lot...good! Now, push the buttons for the elevator...

OMG! slowest elevator ever!..The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout....why are these the only songs that come to my mind? Why can't I think of a cool song like...uuhhhh...eerrr.... Twinkle Twinkle...haha twinkle rhymes with tinkle and I really need to....Oh good, door open....uggg! why oh why is my office on the 25th floor????

Ok, really close Upside Down, nearly there...hold on....

Yes! The doors have opened! Outta my way!!! 

And so for the next 2 minutes I was in heaven.  Hallelujah!!!

Conclusions:

My bladder works!

Recommendations:

-Invest in Depends, or other adult diaper

-Invest in running shoes

-Possible torture device

The ultimate throne:

Florentino

I'm sure all my (2) readers are just dying of anticipation to know what has happened with Clark Kent and Office Hottie 2....Turns out Clark Kent is definitely no Superman. Just plain boring Clark. Office Hottie 2 is  just some eye candy for when I get bored looking at the soups and salads around me.

So, unfortunately for you my dear readers there is not much to report.  No flying sparks, no fireworks erupting, no inappropriate office comments, no walking down aisles to accidentally on purpose strike up a conversation, no electrical outages....nada. 

But I guess it's all for the best because I know my prince is out there....... somewhere.....beneath the pale moonlight......

So, I've decided to dedicate this post to another one of my friends.  This lucky fellow is Florentino, after the character in one of the worst novels I've ever read: "Love in the Time of Cholera" (just click on his name). How this story was likened to Romeo and Juliet's love in portraying how love conquers all I shall never know.

Anyhow, I met Florentino at a restaurant.  He was passing by our table and we happened to have mutual friends. As soon as I saw him and learned of our mutual friends, my first reaction, was "Oh gosh, I hope he doesn't get a crush on me since we just both happen to be single.....AWKWARD!!!" and well, that is pretty much EXACTLY what happened.   

For Florentino love is and never shall be easy. Part of this has to do with his highly negative pessimistic outlook on life. You know how pessimists see the glass half empty? Well for him, there is no glass. The water is just a wet mess that no matter how much he tries to capture it, how much he yells at it to keep still, no matter how many people he asks for help, the water keeps just slightly out of reach.  This is of course no fault of Florentino's. The world actually is against him. Every time he tries to clean up the water from the right, the world takes notice and wobbles to the left. Every time he tries to capture it from the left, the world says "mwha ha ha...I shall stop spinning for thee" and then the water turns into little droplets which float tantalizing above his head. It seems that no matter what Florentino does the world does something to keep him from obtaining his water. This of course leaves poor Florentino frustrated, and he wants to make sure EVERYONE knows this by leaving countless message postings day in and day out for the world to read and comment upon.

To ensure that the world is and remains against him, he chooses the most impossible tasks to accomplish and tries to solve them in the worst possible way one can imagine. For example, one of his interesting flirting techniques was to tell me how unattractive I was and that I wasn't his type to see if I was interested in him. Of course this didn't phase me a bit and responded quickly with: "Right back at ya, I'm not attracted to you at all. You definitely aren't my type in any way shape or form." 

With his spirit crushed (again...), Florentino was suddenly filled with an unstoppable desire. His new mission in life, like Florentino, was and still is to do everything he can to win my heart over. This has been going on for over 3 years and sees little sign of slowing. To woo me, he has taken me on "romantic" getaways, wined and dined me, serenaded me with music, surprised me with gifts of chocolates and slideshows, checks up on me to make sure I'm OK (including calling my friends to ask about me), writes poems about how beautiful my eyes are (which he reads to my friends..thank goodness I've never had to hear one), invites me every week to do something with him and (tries to) ensure my jealousy by telling me about all the girls he's "dating", but then asks me permission if he can....

This list could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I'm sure one day (hopefully) he'll make someone very happy...but that someone is not me. Keep holding on Flor.

Running on Empty

This weekend I participated in one of the biggest fun runs in the southern hemisphere "City to Surf".  It's a 14K run from Hyde Park, in Sydney's center, to Bondi Beach.  I had been training for this by exercising on a weekly basis, slowly building up to the 14 kilometer mark.

I practiced my quick cat-like reflexes by dodging buses and trains during peak traffic, strength training at the bar lifting 120 oz beers and increasing my endurance by watching marathon re-runs of The Antique Roadshow. After weeks and weeks of training, I was ready!

The morning started out a bit bleak but soon the 84,000 participants were up and ready to go.  Our group's start time was 9am, but we didn't start until 9:30. By then, over 10,000 runners had already crossed the finish line!  The announcer made sure EVERYONE knew we were late as he announced us as the "stragglers".

With all the training I had done, I quickly outpaced my friends, with just one struggling to keep up with me throughout the run.  Being so small, I was easily able to run into people and knock them to the side as I plowed through small openings and gaps in the crowd to push ahead.  My fellow runnee, who had their own regime of smoking and binge eating to help prepare for the race, was unable to keep up with me, and begged me to slow down.

After helping people back up (from knocking them down) and slowing down for my friend, I decided to pull ahead at the 400 meter mark and completed the run in 85 minutes. My target was between 60-90 minutes, so this was perfect! If I could have run straight and without slowing down, I'm pretty sure I could have been at the 75 minute mark.

Work at Fortune is going well. I'm still fully immersed in training, and continue meeting great, fun people.  There is an office hottie #2 but I'm still thinking of a name for him.  

Today, when I was getting on one of the buses, the driver was really rude for some reason. Quite a few people had boarded the bus ahead of me, and when it was my turn, he lifted his hand up.  I could tell something was not quite right with this guy. I could see beads of sweat across his brow, and an expression only a mother could love.  Before my eyes, he started turning green and greatly increasing in size and bulk as he stood up and roared "GET OFF THE BUS!!!! IF YOU GET ON, I'M TURNING IT OFF. I'M NOT KIDDING."  To which I replied, "Whoa! It's ok!! All you had to do was ask. You don't need to threaten me!"  weirdo!!!

Numero Uno

With the rise of the new moon, my case worker was finally able to complete her job and I commenced my first week at Fortune.  My manager, Rooster, was late in collecting me Monday morning, so the receptionist took pity on me and guided me to where she thought I was supposed to be, the first meeting of the month for my division (which I later learned was NOT where I was supposed to be).

The room was massive and buzzed with the activity of close to 100 workers.  There was a tiny projection of numbers displayed on a wall with the closest vacant seat a good 25 feet away from the wall. As I moved through the sea of unfamiliar faces, searching for Rooster I took a seat in the back. Not only could I not see anything, but I could barely hear anything either. As I tilted my head towards the speaker I realized that I actually could hear (barely), but that I couldn't understand him! Fortune's language sounds like English and looks like English, but it seems to be a superior form of the language. I found it astounding how they communicated complex thoughts and ideas through a plethora of 3-5 letter word combinations. In time, I hope I too can learn this English 4.0

Once Rooster found me, he guided me, through a corridor of security doors, to my training room where I spent the next 5 days.  I've met some really nice people, one of which I'll introduce as Cleopatra. We are on the same team and hit it off right away. We both commute from the city so we chat to and from work on the bus. So the commute......

As a slave to public transport, I spent the first week trying out the different combinations of travel to get to work.  The first day, I totally nailed it and was right on time, whereas Rooster was 45 minutes late.  Second day, I decide not to fix what isn't broke, and ended up being 45 minutes late as traffic delayed not one, but THREE buses.  Just a quick sidetrack, as I was at waiting for the bus, the high school kiddos were waiting for their own buses to get to school, and I was really disturbed to see over 50% of them SMOKING!!!  I swear my future kids will never be out of my site! Anyhow, after discussing with veteran public transporters I believe I have found the correct combination: 2 buses and a 10 min walk to the office, and then a bus, a train, and another bus home.  Although this seems like this would be a nightmare, it only takes between an hour and 1 and 1/4 hours from home to sitting at my desk. Back to training.....

On our last day, a group of us went out to a local pub where I met Office Hottie 1, whom I'll call Clark Kent. We'll see what happens when Louis Lane starts work!

Book Review: Their Eyes Were Watching God; I needs mah Tea Cake!!!

In addition to being the coolest band nerd and President/Co-Founder of the IBTC I am also an avid book reader.  When I started my undergraduate degree, I met a person who truly changed my life (I'll have to dedicate a whole post to her at a later time). She was exactly what I needed when I needed it. She exposed me to a whole new way of living and activities that I wouldn't have tried, or admit to wanting to try.  One of the many things I am grateful to her for is getting me into reading.  Many stories also seemed to be what I needed when I needed it.

With the hundreds of books I've read, there are a few which are outstanding works of art. So far this year, my hands down favorite book is Zora Neale Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God."

The book was written by an African American woman and published in 1937.  It was one of the first stories written with a woman (a BLACK woman) as the heroine. Initially, many critics snubbed the story as they thought it was too unrealistic and poorly written. However, now it is a highly acclaimed novel in Black Literature and has been repeatedly analysed with new intriguing insights revealed with each analysis.

The story takes place in a fictional American world shortly after slavery was abolished. The story opens with the main character, Janie, trudging home covered with mud, unkept and wearing overalls (VERY unlady like).  As she walks, the other women are huddled on their porches whispering behind her back bristling with satisfaction in knowing that they were right. They're all convinced that a young, sweet talking man, who swept a recently widowed Janie off her feet, had abandoned her and run off with all of  her money. They just KNOW that this has happened and they're itching to tell her they had told her so!!! One of her friends, Phoeby, approaches Janie, now sitting on her own porch, to get Janie to spill the beans...

The prose in this book is amazing.  Zora has written the majority of the book through the characters' dialogue using the vernacular of the African American's during that time period. Getting started was a bit of a struggle, as I had to get used to the tongue, but once I got into it, I was blown away by Zora's whit, humor and enthralling story. I loved reading the way these characters interacted with each other and the clever Southern phrases, some of which reminded me of my late grandmother, that she used.  This story is filled with adventure, humor, love and tragedy.

Here is an excerpt, taken from chapter 6, which left me literally LOL:

Take for instance the case of Matt Bonner's yellow mule. They had him up for conversation every day the Lord sent...Sam and Lige and Walter were the ringleaders of the mule-talkers...All they needed was to see Matt's long spare shape coming down the street and by the time he got to the porch they were ready for him.
"Hello, Matt."
"Evenin', Sam."
"Mighty glad you come 'long right now, Matt. Me and some others wuz jus' about tuh come hunt yuh."
"What fuh, Sam?"
"Mighty serious matter, man. Serious!!"
"Yeah man," Lige would cut in, dolefully. "It needs yo' strict attention. You ought not tuh lose no time."
"What is it then? You oughta hurry up and tell me."
"Reckon we better not tell yuh heah at de store. It's too fur off tuh do any good. We better all walk on down by Lake Sabelia."
"What's wrong, man? Ah ain't after non uh y'alls foolishness now."
"Dat mule uh yourn, Matt. You better go see 'bout him. He's bad off."
"Where 'bouts? Did he wade in de lake and uh alligator ketch him?"
"Worser'n dat. De womenfolks got yo' mule. When Ah come round de lake 'bout noontime mah wife and some others had 'im flat on de ground usin' his sides fuh uh wash board."

The great clap of laughter that they had been holding in, bursts out...."Yeah, Matt, dat mule so skinny till de women is usin' his rib bones fuh uh rub-board, and hangin' things out of his hock-bones tuh dry."
Matt realizes that they have tricked him again and the laughter makes him mad and when he gets mad he stammers.
"You'se uh stinkin' lie, Sam and yo' feet ain't mates. Y-y-y-y-you!"
"Aw, man, 'tain't no use in gittin' mad. You know yuh don't feed de mule. How he gointuh git fat?"
"Ah-ah-ah d-d-does feed 'im: Ah g-g-gived 'im uh full cup uh cawn every feedin'."
"Lige knows all about dat cup uh cawn. He hid round yo' barn and watched yuh. 'Taint no feed cup you measures dat cawn outa. It's uh tea cup."
"Ah does feed 'im. He's jus' too mean tuh git fat. He stay poor and rawbony jus fuh spite. Skeered he'll hafta work some."
"Yeah, you feeds 'im. Feeds 'im offa 'come up' and seasons it with raw-hide."
"Does feed de ornery varmint! Don't keer what Ah do Ah can't git long wid 'im. He fights every inch in front uh de plow, and even lay back his ears tuh kick and bite when Ah go in de stall tuh feed 'im."
"Git reconciled, Matt," Lige soothed. "Us all knows he's mean. Ah seen 'im when he took after one uh dem Roberts chillun in de street and would caught 'im and maybe trompled 'im tuh death if de wind hadn't of changed all of a sudden.  Yuh see de youngun wuz tryin' tuh make it tuh de fence.....and de mule was dead in behind 'im and gainin' on 'im every jump, when all of a sudden de wind changed and blowed de mule way off his course, him bein' so poor and everything, and before do orenery varmint could tack, de youngun had done got over de fence." The porch laughed and Matt got mad again.
"Maybe de mule takes out after everybody," Sam said, " 'cause he thinks everybody he hear comin' is Matt Bonner comin' tuh work 'im on uh empty stomach."
"Aw, naw, aw, naw. You stop dat right now, " Walter objected. "Dat mule dont' think Ah look lak no Matt Bonner. He ain't dat dumb. If Ah thought he didn't know no better Ah'd have mah picture took and give it tuh dat mule so's he could learn better. Ah ain't gointuh 'low 'im tuh hold nothin' lak dat against me."
Matt struggled to say something but his tongue failed him so he jumped down off the porch and walked away as mad as he could be. But that never halted mule talk. There would be more stories about how poor the brute was; his age; his evil disposition and his latest caper......

This book is only 200 pages long and took me about 2 weeks to read (riding to and from work on the train). I strongly rate it a 5 out of 5 and hope that you will enjoy it as much as I did (if I did it any justice).

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.....

Have you ever wished that the present you could go back in time and give the past you just the advice you needed?

One of my many amazing talents is the unique ability to travel back in time, whist staying in the present. How do you ask do I manage such a feat?  Well, it's through a friend of mine, Gemini. We were born at the exact same time, but 4 years apart.  She is, WAS me four years ago and I get to pass on all my hard earned wisdom to her so that she may benefit from Future Gemini.

Funny thing about wisdom and advice though is that no one actually takes it. It seems to be one of those things you have to live through to receive. So, now I get to watch "myself" experience the same mistakes...I mean learning experiences, from the comfort of being four years removed. Sometimes I just want to shake her, which is how I'm sure my family and friends felt. Thank you to those who stuck it out...wasn't it worth it??? Tots I know.

Just like me, she is extremely smart, talented, funny and attractive. It is for these very qualities why we are both single.  Guys go running scared from attractive SMART women.  We have tried playing the dumb blonde, but its just too energy consuming...."like OMG did she really just say that????" "Really? pickles are like cucumbers??? " "There are five continents....A-E-I-O and U" "Hey, look at that Swedish hottie from Holland!!!".....hmmm I think I just got dumber.

Anyhow, switching gears to my current life I have to say that so far I'm NOT impressed with my Fortune 500 job.  I haven't even started yet and I'm already sick of it.

Firstly, I had to undergo a background check, which, with my checkered past, took a week to iron out the kinks.  Then, I had get a friend of mine to forge my academic transcript and letter of completion from the University..another 2 days.  And now, 3 weeks later I'm STILL waiting for Fortune to send me my draft contract. I'm not sure when this is going to happen as the woman in charge has multiple personality disorder and is currently in her backyard barking at passing strangers.  So, I continue to wait and wait. I wonder what wisdom I'll learn from this to pass on to Gemini?

The Best thing Since Indoor Plumbing

Now that I have your complete and divided attention, I would like to introduce you to one of my friends, Judgement Day. I met this saucy siren about 6 months ago in the restroom of the Australian Yacht Club, an extremely prestigious club with a $25,000 membership price tag. It is here where the creme de la creme schmooze and cruise..literally.

With a handful of peanuts left and a couple of drinks non the wiser, it seemed I had a date with destiny. She was everything every high school girl inspired to be: extreme confidence (almost) to the point of cockiness and brashness, cunning intelligence with the ability play the "dumb blonde" combined with the power of manipulation and, of course, stunning good looks to complete the package.

Ah yes, Upside Down Girl and Judgement Day were meant to meet. Judgement knew that poor, lost Upside Down Girl with her non designer jeans, $35 hair cut and pho leather purse needed help and needed it ASAP!
Judgement lost no time in getting started. She knew that the best way to teach the ways of the world to inept girl was through the winning combination of the best and most effective teaching practices: being condescending, sarcastic, impatient, and hypocritcal.

In her defense, it really was...I mean IS for my own good. I mean, shouldn't I know that a materialistic life filled with (expensive) crap with the ambitions of climbing the social ladder is why we were put on this beautiful Earth? You know, it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man, so why bother meeting a poor one??  I'm learning these VERY important invaluable lessons which will lead me to the path of  a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment.

And, just for you, so that you can also find the true path, I will share these life's lessons with you as well.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was Blog

The following stories are loosely based on semi factual accounts of the life of Upside Down Girl.

To get to know a little about her, or er me, I will start with a brief summary of what has happened since moving to the land called Down Under from the Promised Land (I'm not sure what they were promising, but I'm sure I never got it).

Let's see....It took me approximately a quarter of a century to get to this continent country where I studied my Masters in Business from one of the most prestigious business schools in Sydney (It ranks within the top ten in the  country....never mind that there are only 11).  Upon commencing my studies, I wondered if I had really moved to Sydney, Australia as there were NO Aussies to be found. I think it took me 6 months before I found one of these highly secretive peoples.  

During this time, I got to re-live my glory days of college, or I guess MAKE my glory days, as I did not experience them during my undergrad years (a whole other story which I may or may not indulge you with). I made many friends during this time, some of whom I still talk to today (you will get to know them later).

I live in the lap of pure luxury. I live in an 20 bedroom 8 story house with 19 others. 

Each of our rooms have been specially designed for optimal efficiency. I mean, do we REALLY need the ability to take more than 2 steps in our room? or wear more than one outfit?

We share a massive kitchen with a FOUR electric burner stove (2 that work), a whole oven and a 2-slot toaster! Our Landlord, has been like Robin Hood to us.  While he's off traveling to heathen places like Europe, the US and Bali every other month, so that WE can have a better life, he has allowed for each of us to utilize 1/2 a shelf space in the refrigerator...plenty of space to put everything I need for the week, a maze of cords running crisscross throughout the house so we don't get bored and the luxury of hot water once a week.

This accommodation really is one of a kind.  Robin has spent extra money so that we can have the best of the best. The walls are made with a very special, new space age material where it feels like you're outside, even when you're inside! And all of this for just a mere $1,000 a month per person.

I don't have to drive here, as I am chauffeured everywhere I go...a bus into the city and a train to work. Ahh! the sweet sweet smells of toxic fumes has cleansed my lugs very nicely and I no longer have asthma...but I digress.....

After graduating, I took on a full time job on the 13th floor of a sky scraper on the North Shore. Well actually, I don't know if "job" is the correct word. What is it called if you get paid every 10-12 weeks or so in peanuts???

hmmm...... My boss, Tiger, is the quintessential Aussie bloke who goes surfing every morning before work and has awesome catch phrases like "yeah mah boy?" "hey dal", "good on ya" and "oh boy!" I have learned a lot and gained much needed experience over the past year, but times, they are a changin' and I live for change. I have been offered a job with a global Fortune 500 Company, which we'll call "Fortune." It supposedly pays in bars of gold every 4 weeks and I should be getting a draft of my contract shortly.